blank slate

for the 2nd time this month, i woke up to monday morning, and a completely empty calendar. to be honest, unless things change dramatically, the rest of the month is coming up pretty short as well.

it's a bit concerning. i'd like to say it's the economy, but i have noticed that most people except for me seem to be pretty busy.

i'd like to say i haven't had any 'leads' even, but to be honest, i've had several and they have fallen through.

i'd like to say that i'm totally confident and fine with things, but that would be pretty untrue. i'm not sure how to feel. when i work through the fear, i think it boils down to this.

i've worked my whole life as a graphic designer. in the beginning, i was pretty sure i did not possess the skills to make it in this field. i didn't feel especially motivated OR creative. but i didn't know what else to do! that is the truth!

then, somewhere along the line, i got hold of things. i still felt mostly LUCKY instead of super capable or talented or skilled. it just seemed that i always got alot of positive feedback for the things i made.

to this day, i'm not especially sure i even deserved some of the opportunities i've had. i attribute my successes to timing, and an unwillingness to give up, and great people around me who make me look good. i also can say with all honesty, i've truly enjoyed this life. i get to make pretty stuff for people - how can that be bad?!

however, i'm starting to live in the real truth - God gave me this job, and these skills, and this life. for some reason, for His purpose. He had a plan, still has a plan, and WILL have a plan for me, for all of my days. if He decides to shift my life, who am i to try to decide where? or how? i don't even feel capable of making the choice, so i have only Him to cling to, hoping He will just open a door that i can walk thru. and for this monday, that door is a blank slate, a chance to live fully in Him, and not be burdened by what i think i SHOULD be doing.

argggghhhhh. the trusting is the hardest part. but once you get beyond that, it does seem a little bit exciting, too ;)