ay yi yi.
this week, no wait, this life, has been kind of stressful. and to be completely honest, i am pretty much falling apart. i have never been one to handle stress real well. i worry. and i eat. and i think. and i repeat the cycle, over and over.
i also have not been really close to God. i don't know how or why, but i do know that if you decide to leave Him and go out on your own, He will let you. oh sure, He's still there, waiting for me to return. but i don't feel His presence much. and that feels....crappy.
so there. that is the foundation of the story. and most surely the reason for the stress. but the detail i am stressing about is GETTING MARRIED. oh sure. i have the guy i love. but after nearly 3 years, i am questioning whether i have ever REALLY committed to anything. because i am scared. of commitment, that is. what if i change my mind? what if i am not ready? what if bad things happen? what if my life becomes completely different? what if I MAKE A MISTAKE?
my whole life, i've been afraid of making a mistake. somewhere in me, at an early age, it was suggested that mistakes are bad, and you don't want to make them. and my whole life, i've been trying to avoid them. in the process, i've screwed up tremendously. i mean big stuff. bad, damaging stuff that hurt me, and others. some things i can never repair, and many things that God has healed and turned into something more beautiful. i see my relationship with phillip as one of those good things. a good, beautiful thing.
still. there is that huge. underlying. fear.
anyway, long story short. we have not set a wedding date yet (late summer SEEMED like a long time away a few months ago)! but this week we found out that phillips lease is going to be over in june, because his landlord's daughter has decided to move home to live for awhile. so the question becomes, do we just get married sooner, rather than later, by a few months?
while phillip waits patiently for life to unfold, i fret. and think. and eat. and forget to ask God, who ultimately knows and is not telling, unless i ask.
pray for me that i will stop worrying, and start following.
6 comments:
Even though I have never been in your current situation, I completely get where you are we coming from right now. I often worry, that even though I want it soooo much, will I, by the time it finally happens, be able to leave what I already know...what is safe. Will I be able to live with a boy, and not want to kill him. And what will happen to my heart if something terrible happens. All you can do is trust God that you are not doing something that he doesn't want for you. And I have trouble with this one too, always ask.
Oh dear bob. K~
i read this late last night, and i've been thinking of you and praying for you ever since.
i've also been thinking about how the most wonderful things i've ever done -- living overseas, getting married, having a baby -- have scared the ever-livin' daylights out of me. i mean, absolutely TERRIFIED me. lay-awake-at-night kind of fear.
it doesn't FEEL normal to be scared, but i think it is. the abnormal thing is that you're being honest about it.
maybe that doesn't make you feel any better, but please know that i'm praying that God gives you peace. life probably won't get any less scary, but He can give you peace that passes all understanding.
thank you girls :)
you know, i think i just need to realize that i am never quite going to be ready. phillip and i have some serious discussion to do, and probably some couples counseling as well...the closer the date gets, the more i am seeing that.
but life is lived one step at a time! i am *feeling* better than when i wrote this post - more able to give the reigns to God for awhile, and see what happens...
i love being able to blog and i LOVE your feedback. thank you so so much.
Hi Bobbi
Thoughts, prayers are with you. I believe you can't do it wrong. You are too wonderful.
B-
I will pray for you. May your trust in the Lord make this decision easier for you.
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