whew. one more beautiful day here in Iceland, then snow forecasted for the weekend. i should be a meteorologist, because i did predict a May snowfall this year.
which is perhaps the least of my worries. because if you have been reading my blog between the lines, you'd see i've been struggling for a bit of time. struggling emotionally, physically and spiritually. and fighting a big fight that i cannot win.
of course, i've been asking God to back me up in the fight. and the more and more i try to set things right, the more i seem to lose ground. i don't think God is in the position of playing backup, do you? ummmm. neither did i, and i am ashamed that i keep putting Him there.
long story short, i know that the key phrase for this season of struggling is SURRENDER. that word has such a negative connotation in the world, doesn't it? and my good old wordly self is a fighter. rocky style. you wouldn't think it by looking at me, but i'm determined. and my will is .... willfull, and i keep going LONG after the bell has rung.
Not sure God is impressed with my style. He likes soft, pliable hearts that are not so set in how things should be. i'm getting the message loud and clear (thankfully!) that He wants me to lay some things down. when i let it sink in, the burden is lighter. His yoke IS easy. but of course whenever i get an ounce of peace, i pick up the "job" again!! aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggh!
so, my scriptures each day are about letting myself go. completely. into the arms of a trusting, loving God who is wanting to give me security like i have never known. i keep getting the recurring image of jumping off a diving board into a pool of unknown depths, into the arms of safety (and since i cannot swim, that is an especially compelling image).
i laugh when i think about taking swimming lessons in my head. thank you Lord for not leaving me as i am, a middle-aged non-swimmer... :) and thank you blogger friends, for your love and support.
7 comments:
Hey Bob, Hang in there. I really liked how you put your thoughts in words. I have been here, and often. God knows you are reaching out to him. He know what you need. It sounds like you are listening to him and doing what is humanly possible to move beyond this. God loves you and I don't think your thoughts are accidents. He is working with you where you are and he is quite the master at that. The neat thing is, that you are reaching out to him. Keep reaching He is not a 1/2 way God. He will come as close as he needs to to support you and hold you up. No worries Bob. Our God is an Awesome God!! Miss you!!! I'll Try and call soon. K~
I am praying. Thank you for writing down your struggles, you are an encouragement to me. I do love that you are willing to be shaped and stretched and grown. The evidence of God in your life is beautiful (the kind that doesn't get wrinkles!) and I have no doubt that He will use this Season in your life to help others down the road when they are in the same place. Keep on keepin' on.
aw, thanks for the kind words girls...
kirst, when can i come see you? really this time? we will go shopping for flowers :)) i will come during the week if the weekends are busy....
karen, thanks for prayin.' i am doing well, really well today. i do wish that emotion did not SO rule my life. i'm like a grand champion emotion surfer. :) but yeah, He is making me.
I do have to admit, that seeing the photo, I thought maybe you were taking up ice skating.
I hope you can come soon. I really don't know which way is up today. C broke her pinky toe and is home (can't walk). D is home....again (stomach pains). S is at school. I need a nap. I have been trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. And, I guess this is it. K~
That old emotional roller coaster has become so familiar to me. Thank God that we can depend upon Him no matter what our mood. I will pray for you B. You have such an amazing gift to share with others, your commitment and your faithfulness shines through you, even when you do not feel it. I have seen it and felt it when I am around you and when I read your words. You make want to try even harder to follow Him.
remember what rocky looked like after he won that first fight? pretty bruised up, but he did it. i don't think "changing" is ever easy, but God knows that you want to try. lean on him, He's a really great guy to have in your corner.
I am sooo right where you are right now. When you are person that needs to control your own life, it is very hard to do that surrender thing. Lots of prayer, and one day at a time.
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